Well as a few of you may know, I started a blog called “A Girl and Her Kids” about a year and a half ago. I was intended to be a light and fluffy “feel-good” encouragement type of blog. But then my life took some turns for the not-so-light-and-fluffy. It seemed that as soon as I got it up and running, my world flipped. Literally in a sense that we started a total remodel of my house here at the ranch we manage in southern Colorado. A remodel that was supposed to last a month or so and ended up turning into a total gut-job and finishing 6 months later. All four of us moved into a house on the ranch with no internet which made blogging difficult, but came as a relief and a retreat for me because at that same time (literally the day we started the remodel) my husband and I found out we were pregnant for the fourth time and would be expecting our third child in May of 2016. We were over the moon-and overwhelmed. Three kids in three years!
We started contemplating what this would mean for our family and fell so deeply in love with that little nugget immediately. The timeline is a bit fuzzy for me but the day we decided to announce our pregnancy we went in for an early ultrasound. As soon as we saw the baby I knew. We had lost it. There was no tiny heartbeat I was so looking forward to hearing. I had been so darn sick, this was the last thing I had expected. I was shocked but I knew without a doubt he/she was gone. It ended up being a long hard process that took no less than four months. Four months where God showed himself in such a kind way that I never expected and had never experienced before. He never let me feel unloved. I felt alone at times out on the ranch with two little babies of my own, still sick from fruitless morning-sickness-causing hormones, but I always felt an unwavering love.
He brought incredible people into my life during this time, let me express my creativity through our remodel, and the biggest change of all, he said, “Hey, birth is pretty neat…” January of last year is when the fire of midwifery caught in my heart and has burned bright ever since. I got in contact with some incredible local midwives who agreed to take me on as their student, and started college through the National College of Midwifery in the fall of 2016. I was driving to Durango two days a week and attended eight births in my first trimester (we call semesters “trimesters”). I was driving back from a beautiful pre-christmas birth on the night of December 22nd when my world was, again, thrown for a loop.
Through the last year I have grown and changed so much I feel like I’m nearly unrecognizable (Not physically, I didn’t change that much… sadly. Darn you baby weight.) I felt like the story I intended to tell through the last blog I barely started was not my story any more. And who knows, maybe another loop is in our near future (wouldn’t surprise me) But for now, God has given me something I never imagined. When someone sits down and says “Hey we found something funky in your brain, don’t know what it is but it wasn’t there two years ago.” (not that exactly, of course, but close enough) It takes longer than I ever imagined for something like that to sink in. But one thing I knew for sure: God is doing something. What is that something? Hah! No clue, but over the past few weeks God has been trying to show me that trials are not meant to be lived alone (Ecclesiastes 4:10 Woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up.)
When your brain decides to grow a tumor and throw a wrench in your entire life, you tend to fall a bit. Each new snippet of information about my tumor, or each new symptom, headache, weakness, or memory lapse, trips me again and again. God has been using all kinds of people to lift me back up. Sometimes it takes a while but eventually I’m up and at it just in time for the next thing! God has used other tumor survivors or tumor patient’s stories for many such a time and that helped me along in the decision to share my journey freely with others. The Bible itself is one long story from start to finish. Each of our lives are separate, complex stories that have so much meaning and worth. So here is a little bit of mine, and I hope God accomplishes whatever he wants to through it.